


Winnes Set Raun Bakon kom Givnes (but not all sacrifices are a victory)

by kadience



Category: Elyza Lex (Fanverse), The 100 (TV)
Genre: Drabbles, F/F, History, Romance, prompts, slow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-06-07 04:29:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 8,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6785245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kadience/pseuds/kadience
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Hopefully) Daily drabbles and prompts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Flowers

**Author's Note:**

> To work some more on my writing, I will be doing prompts everyday. That doesn't mean that there will be a post every day, though some days may have multiple posts depending on how much I write. I do have a long multi-chapter fic that I am currently planning out, this is just to pass time and improve writing before I begin that.

It’s a quiet, warm day when Lexa invites Clarke out to watch the Nightbloods train. Curious, Clarke agrees and brings her sketchbook along. She spends a couple of hours taking the time to sketch each of the children in action, occasionally asking their names to write on the bottom of the paper.

The sun is high in the sky when Lexa calls for a break. Most of the children head inside for lunch, all except for a girl no older then five, and Aden. Lexa doesn’t notice either of them when she sits next to Clarke, peeking at the drawing.

“Heda?” the girl looked nervously between Clarke and Lexa before settling her eyes on the Commander.

Lexa turns to the child. “Yes, Rose?”

“You promised we could pick flowers at lunch.”

A smile tugs at Lexa’s lips. “I did promise that. Are you sure you don’t want to eat first?”

Rose nods really quickly before glancing back at Aden. Lexa notices the look and turns to Aden. “Go eat, I will watch her.” Aden nods slowly and retreats to the building for something quick to eat. He’d been watching over Rose and a couple other of the younger children, since they arrived.

Lexa stood up and turned to look at Clarke. “Would you like to come pick flowers with us?”

“I would love to.”

With a smile, Lexa took Rose’s hand, allowing the girl to lead her over to the side of the training field where several daisies poked through the hardened dirt. Clarke followed behind, watching Lexa interact with the little girl. It dawned on her how much the older girl cared for them. She’d just spend all morning helping them train with swords, and was forgoing her own lunch to fulfill a promise to a small child to pick flowers. Absently, Clarke wondered if there was anyone who did the same when Lexa was a child. Somehow, she thought not.

Rose pulled Lexa ahead of Clarke, reaching the daisies in just seconds. There were more further out, but Rose had her eye on these ones for a specific reason. She let go of Lexa’s hand to quickly gather the flowers. Turning, she hands them to Lexa with a triumphic smile on her face.

“For me?” Lexa asked.

Rose giggled. “No! You have to give them to Clarke.”

Lexa’s face went red.

Clarke stopped beside Lexa, looking at her curiously. “Lexa?”

Lexa handed her the flowers. “I’m suppose to give these to you.”

Clarke’s face went just as red when she accepted the daisies. “T-thank you,” she stuttered.

Rose beamed.


	2. Death

There’s a trail of black blood leading down the hallway. Clarke slowly follows, dreading what she’ll find at the end. Visions of Lexa lying on the floor dead dance behind her eyes. Her heart drops in to her stomach when she finds herself outside the doors to the throne room. Her steps grow slower until she’s standing right in front of the doors. She wonders for a moment why there are no guards around then she hears stifled crying. Taking a chance, she reaches out, opening the door and steps inside.

It takes a minute for her eyes to process what she’s seeing. There are seven bodies. Seven little bodies. She recognizes all of them, having spent much time with them in the past weeks. She slowly looks at them each, seeing their wounds, seeing the blood, hoping they did not suffer too greatly. Finally, her eyes fall on Lexa. She’s kneeling by Aden, his eyes glassy, staring at the ceiling, seeing nothing. She knows Aden was Lexa’s favourite. He was the first to come to Polis after her conclave.

Clarke steps carefully around the bodies until she comes to Lexa. She says nothing, kneeling next to her. Slowly, she reaches out and lightly closes Aden’s eyes. If she doesn’t look at the gaping wounds in his chest, it looks like he’s just sleeping.

Lexa looks up at Clarke. Her eyes are red and puffy. It was obvious she’d been crying for a while, unable to do what she’d meant to when she came back to the room. Tentatively, Clarke wiped the tears from her cheeks, trailing back to push brown hair away from Lexa’s face.

“He was the best. He tried so hard to learn so much,” her voice is low, just barely above a whisper.

Lexa looks back down at the boy who she had come to regard as a little brother. Holding back more tears, she presses a light kiss to his forehead. “Yu gonpei ste odon.”

She continues around the room, repeating the process with each child. With each one, she tells Clarke something about them, her voice choking up every once in a while. Clarke listens closely, committing each fact to memory. She doesn’t want their memory to disappear.

Finally, Lexa turns to Clarke and motions to the door. “Titus will arrange for a funeral pyre. Let us go. I have someone I must deal with.”

Without a word, Clarke leads the way from the room. She pauses down the hall, looking back to see Lexa closing the door.


	3. Open Your Eyes

“Open your eyes.”  
Sky blue eyes slowly blinked open taking in the scene before her. The view of the city was breathtaking, and Clarke was surprised at how much she could see. While she couldn't make out what the people were doing, she could see them moving around, she could see children playing in the streets. Further away, she could see the secluded area the nightbloods trained in. She could see birds flying above the trees. She could see the sun as it began disappearing behind the trees.  
“Lexa. This is...” she trailed off, not quite sure how to describe it. Her eyes continued to trail over the view, remembering as many details as she could.  
Stepping forward to rest her hands on the railing, Lexa's words were barely above a whisper. “It is humbling. It reminds me of what I have to protect. What I stand to lose.”  
With a catch in her throat, Clarke moved forward to stand beside Lexa. She placed her hand over the other girls. When green eyes turned to look at blue, Clarke sought to reassure her. “You won't lose them. You make things better for them. They are lucky to have you as their Commander.”  
Lexa gave a small smile before looking back over Polis.   
They stood there for a short while, just until the sun went down, before turning and heading back inside.   
“Thank you, Clarke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much for being daily. :P It's been a rough few days, so I've mostly been working on the multi-chapter fic I'm writing. I find it's easier to write something with a long term goal rather then something short when I'm feeling depressed.   
> Also, I do have a tumblr, if anyone wants to send me a message or if you prefer to read things there, since I post both on here and there at the same time. @ainagonraun


	4. Past Lives

She dreams about past lives. All the ones where she fell in love wit ha beautiful blonde girl, the ones where she dies, the ones that she lives, the ones she grows old in, the ones she grew up with her soul mate. She lives a thousand lives within her dreams, but once her eyes open, they disappear.  
Subconsciously she tries to live up to those past lives, by being just as good as they were. Her grades are nearly perfect, she obeys most of her mothers rules, and she's got a boyfriend who cares for her. Why then, does it not feel complete. She's missing something and she can't quite put her finger on it. At first she thinks it's because her brother is going down a bad path, and as her mother focuses all her attention on the older boy, she realizes that it's one of the things holding her back. She applies to UC Berkeley in order to get away from the family drama.  
When the world goes to hell, she finds herself feeling a little bit more like herself. She doesn't tell anyone, but she recalls a dream almost like this, like she was dreaming of the future. She's just missing one detail. That detail doesn't appear for weeks.  
It isn't until they're on a large boat, courtesy of someone they met through her brother. Nick did always attract the weird ones. It's a stop for supplies that they're running low on. Alicia got separated from the rest, a horde of infected converging on them caused the group to scatter. She crept nearly silently down a back alley, hoping none of them noticed her. She worried for her brother, and for her mother. With her mind on them, she didn't notice the infected that blocked the alley behind her. As she stepped out into another street, she realized she just blocked herself in.  
Eyes scanned the area, desperately looking for another way out. She grabbed a piece of metal that was lying on the road, swinging it around to hit one that came a little too close to her. It felt familiar holding the weapon, her hands remembered what her mind could not. Two more infected went down by her hand.  
A loud noise, a motorcycle Alicia thought dimly, turned most of the infected to start in another direction. Alicia stood still, hoping none would turn back to her. She swayed on her feet, suddenly feeling exhausted. She watched as several infected were knocked astray by a blonde girl riding toward her on a motorcycle.  
Green eyes met blue and Alicia finds her missing piece. It's too much for her mind to handle as past memories flood her mind at once, she stumbles forward just as the girl reaches her, and blacks out.

_“You were right, Clarke. Life is about more then just surviving.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the idea of soul mates, that you live each life you are given looking for this person that you are meant to be with. So expect to see this belief shown in what I write. For this particular drabble, I do want to expand on it, and I probably will when I have more time to write instead of wasting away time until I have to go to work.


	5. It's Lexa's Fault (even when it really isn't)

One. Two. Three. Four.  
Four times the rock skipped over the water. It was a new record for Clarke. She was tired and frustrated. It had been seven days since she had left Camp Jaha after bringing down the mountain. Seven days that she buried the pain in her heart away. She couldn't think about Lexa without feeling like her heart had been ripped out of her chest. She couldn't think about her people without remembering what she did to save them. She remembered the red blistered bodies of innocents. Of people who had nothing to do with what Cage Wallace was doing. She remembered Jasper sitting on the floor, Maya's head resting in his lap, her skin angry and red, her heart no longer beating. It was her fault. No. It was Lexa's fault.  
It was Lexa's fault. Those words fueled her anger. It made her press on. She couldn't forgive herself and she couldn't forgive Lexa. How many people would still be alive if Lexa hadn't taken that deal. How many lives could have been spared?  
The next stone in Clarke's hand made a large splash in the river. She didn't notice it. She couldn't even throw another stone. Tears streamed down her face as she collapsed to the riverbank. How many? Her mind screamed at her.  
It was Lexa's fault.

~

Seven days since Lexa had walked away, breaking her heart in the process. How many times did her own words ring in her ears? _“I made this choice with my head and not my heart.”_ Even to herself the words seemed hollow. She couldn't have said anything to Clarke, not with Emerson standing right next to her. There had been no option to say no to the deal. Her people were right there at the door. Either Lexa took the deal or she refused and they would have all died. Guards inside had their guns trained on them at all times. Lexa assumed they hoped she would say no so they would have an excuse to kill them.  
Now. Seven days later and Lexa sat alone in her tent. They were camped near where TonDC was located. Those from the mountain needed to gain their strength to make it back to their homes, and Lexa had remained, only to be sure Clarke survived the mountain. She did. The guard she'd assigned to watch the blonde had come back with assurances that the mountain had fallen. The mountain men were dead.  
Soon after, her people began to call Clarke by the title of Wanheda. Lexa's heart hurt when she first heard it. It would cause them both pain in more ways then one. Lexa sent a warrior to Skaikru's camp bearing a warning for Clarke. He returned with the message undelivered.  
It was Lexa's fault. She could not deny that. But like she had with everything else, she pushed away the guilt. It would serve her people no good. That was her duty. To serve her people, to protect them. But still...  
It was Lexa's fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look! Two in one day! I'm doing good. lol   
> Thanks to a pep talk at work from a co-worker, I seem to have gotten over my writer's block. I found an old empty notebook and just started writing. No planning, no nothing. Just writing. It's nice. And it helps.


	6. The day of her Victory was also the day of her Death

It had been a great battle against Azgeda. There had been many casualties on both sides, but Queen Nia was left to bow her head in defeat and return north. Trikru, along with their closest allies, Floukru and Sankru, returned home. Floukru and Sankru returned with stories of a great victory. Trikru returned with their dying Commander. Titus had been to see the Natblidas, telling them to prepare themselves. It would not be long until she passed and there would be another conclave to go through.  
Lexa had snuck out of the compound where the Nightbloods lived, the heavy unrest making her feel uncomfortable in the place she'd called home for so long. She already knew that her best friend was nearby, waiting for her to turn up.  
“Cos? You there?” she whispered, climbing up the first few branches of the apple tree they called theirs.  
A dark hand reached down to grab Lexa's. “I'm here. Are you okay?”  
Grasping the hand and pulling herself up to the same branch, she looked into deep brown eyes, and instead of seeing contempt, she saw sympathy. “I am. It is hard though. Anna is family. We are all family. And now... Now we are about to be torn apart.”  
Costia wrapped Lexa in a hug. They'd spoken before about what would happen if the current Commander died. Costia was perhaps the only person, other then Titus, who actually knew what happened when there was a conclave. The Nightbloods grew up learning about it. Training, learning history. Becoming friends, family. They were a tight group. Most people were afraid of Nightbloods, not wanting to end up dead if that particular Nightblood became Commander.  
No words passed between the two young girls as they sat in the tree, just holding on to one another. The sun was nearly setting when Lexa finally pulled away. “I need to get back. Soon someone will wonder where I am.”  
Costia smiled a grim smile. “I know. And Lex?”  
Lexa began desending the tree, though she paused to look back at Costia. “Yes?”  
“I love you.”  
“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect to see some more background stuff soon. I love the idea of exploring who Lexa was before the conclave, both in regards to her relastionship with Costia, and the other Natblidas. I want to explore the history of the Commanders, who they were what their trials were. I want to know how the clans formed. Who they made alliances with before Lexa's coalition.   
> Since none of this pops up in the show (and I disregard everything after that one scene in 3x07 anyway) I am free to run wild with my imagination.


	7. Rare

She'd been the Commander for all of a week and already her bright personality was folding under the weight of the Commander's duties. A tiny piece of her wishes that it wasn't her that won the conclave. She'd already accepted her death unlike a few of the other nightbloods. She watched the life drain from her friend's eyes, knowing that she was the one to cause it. She was relieved when Luna had slipped out and disappeared, one less life for her to take.  
Anya had told her to be strong, it was a lesson she'd had drilled into her head since she'd become Anya's second. She pushed hard for Lexa to be the best she could be. She tried to prepare her for what being Commander would be like. It was nothing like what Lexa imagined. She could no longer think of herself, everything she did would have to be for her people. She loved Costia, but could no longer choose the other girl first. It was heart wrenching the first time Lexa had to leave her behind. Anya tried to comfort her, but Lexa brushed her off.   
Love was weakness. That's what Titus taught. Lexa had believed that love made her stronger. As the weeks went by, she found herself repeating Titus's words to herself more often. She learned to hide her emotions. Costia tried to coax them back out, but Lexa closed herself off more and more.   
She spent the better part of a year traveling around to the clans. She wanted to unite them against the mountain. She was doing her duty to her people, to protect them. Slowly, each of them agreed to her terms. Some came peacefully, others came after battles lost. Lexa chose to approach Azgeda last. Her decision nearly broke her.  
It was several days before Lexa was approached by someone about Costia's disappearance. At first she wondered if Costia had gone back to her village, the two hadn't been on good terms lately, though Costia maintained that she supported Lexa. A few days later, a messenger from Queen Nia arrived. Nia threatened the coalition. She would kill Costia if Lexa didn't bend to her terms.  
Lexa's heart told her to gather an army and march on Azgeda.   
Lexa's head told her to protect her people. One life in exchange for many.  
With a reply sent as a no, it was only a couple weeks before Lexa walked into her room to find a box sitting on her bed. Unaware of what was waiting inside.   
Her face was swollen and bruised beyond recognization. A pale blue earring, and a tattoo behind her left ear were all that told Lexa who it was.   
Rage fueled her threat to Nia. Join the coalition, or be wiped out by the eleven clans. Murdering a Trikru warrior would send them into another war. One Nia could not hope to win.  
She offered up her own son. Roan was only a few years older then Lexa, and he was just as scared as she was. He would be banished from his lands, and Nia would join the coalition. It was a tentative agreement and once the brand marked her skin, Nia could not back out without wiping out her own people.

While smiles had been rare before, usually only given to a rare few, they became non existent. 

Love is weakness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so terrible. It really is, but I promised myself I'd post what ever I write regardless of if I think it's bad. I really wanted to post something after last night's episode (I can't believe I sat through 40 minutes just for 6 minutes of Lexa).


	8. Just a Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note. This drabble includes Lexa's death. So don't read if that still bothers you.

“No!”  
Warm arms wrapped around her waist, holding her down against the bed. She felt them. She knew that what she felt in her heart at the moment wasn't really happening. It was just a dream. It just felt so real. A thousand deaths were playing out behind her eyelids. They were mostly her own deaths, those didn't bother her, she would gladly give her life again for the one she loved. Though she couldn't bear the ones that she saw her die. The ones she hated were watching the blonde die before her eyes. It felt like her heart was being torn out of her chest. She gasped for breath, but her mind refused to give her up, to allow her to wake up, to know that they were still together in this life.  
“Alicia! Wake up, it's just a dream.”  
The words filtered through to the front of her mind, but she couldn't pull herself out of the pit of despair she found herself in. 

_“I don't want the next commander. I want you.”_  
Lexa's heart fell to pieces at Clarke's words. She wanted to reassure the blonde that she would always be with her. That they would be together again soon. Not in death, but in life. Clarke had no idea how many lives they'd shared together. She had no idea how many lives that Lexa looked for her. Protected her. Loved her. She didn't know how many times Lexa had to watch her fall in love with someone else. Grow old. Die young. Be happy. Be sad. So many lives.   
“I'm ready, Heda,” Titus' words pulled Lexa's attention from Clarke. She gave a slight nod.  
“Clarke...”  
“I'm here.”  
“Ai gonplei ste odon.”   
Clarke shook her head, as though it would stop it from being the truth. “No. No, no, I won't accept that.”  
“You were right, Clarke. Life should be about more then just surviving.”  
Lexa could see from Clarke's face that it took her a moment to remember words from months ago. The other girl took a breath, her hands holding onto Lexa's tightly even though she could barely feel them any more.  
“In peace, may you leave the shore. In love, may you find the next.”  
Lexa trained her eyes on Clarke, only glancing to Titus for a quick moment before darting back to Clarke. She didn't know what the words meant. They had special meaning to the blonde though. Lexa watched her through a dark haze as she choked the words out.  
“Safe passage on your travels. Until our final journey to the ground.”  
Blue eyes were the only thing she could see, it would be the last thing she would see in this life.  
“May we meet again.”  
Soft lips pressed against her own. It was the last thing she felt before she died. 

Opening her eyes, Alicia found herself staring into blue eyes. The reminder to her dream made her heart ache. She half hoped that Elyza would never remember any of their past lives, to spare her any of the heartache that Alicia felt. But, at the same time, she hoped that she would remember. She wanted to feel loved as she had before. She wanted to love as she had before, as she almost did now.   
“I'm sorry.”  
Alicia frowned. “What for?”  
Elyza looked down at her hands. It was strange to see her looking so vulnerable. She wore armour in the shape of sass and sarcasm. Alicia knew that it was something important if she was dropping that armour.  
Several minutes passed in silence. Finally, unable to bear it anymore, Alicia curled up beside Elyza, it was still late with plenty of time to sleep. Hopefully without nightmares. “Let's go back to sleep,” she said softly, tugging at Elyza's shirt.  
Elyza looked down at her. Pain was evident in her blue eyes. She laid down beside Alicia, still staring at her.   
“Reshop, Heda.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still not sure exactly how I want to present Elyza. So you're just getting randomness right now until I decide.


	9. Field of Death

She walks through the field, bare feet taking care to not step on anything that may hurt her. Her tattered white dress catches on the long grass, as though it was trying to pull her back, to stop her from heading where her heart pulled her.  
Across the field, her lover walked towards her. A long black dress covered her form. It was torn in places, stained with blood that shined in the sun. The sight made Clarke walk just slightly faster. She stepped on small sharp stones, cutting her feet.  
The grass disappeared, turning into dead bodies lying on the ground. Blood stained the hem of her dress, though she ignored the feeling of cold blood sticking to her skin.  
They were only feet away from each other. She could clearly see the look of despair in green eyes, the look of wanting to run and hide. She wouldn't though. Lexa never shied away from anything that came her way. Not like Clarke.  
Just a couple of feet away and Clarke noticed the knife held loosely in Lexa's hand. She knew it was meant for her. It didn't stop her from wrapping her arms around the woman she loved. Warm arms wrapped around her waist and she felt Lexa's hair brush her shoulder.  
She felt lips press a silent goodbye to her neck before the point of the blade drove into her back.

~

Clarke awoke with a start. Her heart was racing as she looked down at the body lying beside her. Brown curls covered her face in sleep. Looking around for her clothing, Clarke slipped out of bed, making sure to adjust the furs so Lexa wouldn't get cold.  
As quietly as she could, she pulled on her discarded clothes, though leaving behind her warm coat, Clarke slipped out into the cool night. She didn't notice that Lexa had woken when she had gotten up.  
Outside was a relief. She could feel the dream melting off of her, it wasn't the first one she'd had like that. It certainly wouldn't be the last. Despite the pain she still carried from the mountain, Clarke truly loved Lexa, she was the only one who could sooth that pain.  
She walked quietly though the camp, heading to a small clearing just past the tree line. She settled down on an old log, resting her head on her knees, breathing in deep breaths of cold air.  
The snap of a twig had her up and reaching for the gun she'd left in the tent. Cursing herself, she looked towards the sound. In the light of the full moon, she recognized the dark shape of Lexa walking towards her. It occurred to her that Lexa purposely stepped on the twig to announce her presence.  
In the brunette’s hand Clarke recognized the knife from her dream. Her heart sped up a little, though settled when Lexa held it out, handle first, to Clarke.  
“If you must sit out here along, at least take a weapon,” she spoke quietly.  
Clarke reached out, taking the blade. She stared down at it for several moments before looking back up to green eyes. “Thank you.”  
Lexa nodded before turning to walk away.  
“Wait. Lexa-” Clarke stepped forward, her empty hand reaching up.  
Lexa turned back to Clarke, no emotion crossed her face and Clarke wondered if she should just let the other girl go.  
“Stay?” She gestured to the log she'd been sitting on before.  
Lexa inclined her head before crossing the clearing to sit down. Clarke only hesitated for a moment before she down down beside Lexa.  
For now, the quiet companionship was all she needed to shake off the ending of her dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got a couple more that I'm writing right now that may either get posted today or tomorrow. Depends on if I get off my lazy ass to finish cleaning my apartment. The next prompt I've been writing isn't a pairing, it's more me being mad at Fear for the episode on Sunday.


	10. Left Behind

Elyza had practically thrown her into the back of the pickup truck. With a cry, she wrenched herself away from the blonde, not seeing the hurt in blue eyes. As the truck drove past the infected, Alicia's eyes never left Nick. She willed her hand to not extend to him, it was painful, but she knew that it would hurt more when he ignored her.   
They'd had their differences. Too many, it seemed, that it looked like they would never mend bridges and become close again. Nick underestimated his baby sister. She was strong. Stronger then he could ever remember her being. As a small child he'd been her protector. When their father disappeared, he was there to hold her hand, to tell her it would be okay. When the dead body of their father turned up months later, she turned to Nick for comfort. It was then that Nick pushed her away. He drowned himself in drugs. She buried herself in schoolwork. When the apocalypse began, she took care of him. They had their differences.  
Now, with Travis and Chris gone. With Nick leaving her before her eyes. She looked at the two other faces in the back of the truck with her. Elyza had lost everything before she met Alicia. Ofelia had lost her parents in front of Alicia's eyes. In the cab of the truck, she saw Strand glancing into the rear view mirror, looking at her. He'd just lost the love of his life and was checking on her. Beside him, Madison stared straight ahead. Alicia recognized the set of her shoulders, her refusal to look anywhere but ahead. It had happened twice before. She knew that despite how hard everything was now, it was only going to get worse.  
She looked back over the fields, to watch as Nick faded out of sight. She closed her eyes. Hoping that they would meet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, still stuck on that episode of Fear. I don't know how I'm going to survive until August without knowing what's going to happen next.


	11. The Day She Forgot the Meaning of Hate

  She'd been in Polis for five days now. She sat on the edge of her balcony, looking out over the city. She was too high up to see exactly what the people were doing, but she watched them all the same. Once the people packed up their stalls to go home for the night, her eyes moved to watch the sun set. It was a calming sight, and allowed Clarke to clear her mind. She did a lot of thinking during those five days. After spending nearly three months pushing everything to the back of her mind, it was therapeutic to get all her thinking done at once.

  She knew deep in her heart that she didn't _hate_ Lexa. She hated her decision, even if it was the right one to make. There were many things that Clarke hated. She hated them with a burning passion. Most of all, she hated herself. She hated the decisions she had made, she hated that she was still blaming another person for her own decisions. Even though she knew she had already forgiven that person. On the surface though, she wasn't ready to let go.

  She'd been in Polis for eight days now. She forgot how much she hated. Instead, her heart shined through. She sat on the railing of her balcony, her feet dangling over the edge. She felt free. Hate weighed her down. Now she felt as though she could fly. She wouldn't though, not when the person who showed her to love kept her grounded. Kept her alive. Kept her wanting to live.

  She was free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like I should write something. I've spent the past couple days just curled up on my couch. The sudden weather change has made me sorta lazy. I spent all my free time attempting to tan on my balcony. (I slightly succeeded).


	12. Ai Na Gon Raun

   “I can fight too!”

  “You can, little warrior, but not in this battle.”

  Having only seen eight winters, Lexa was still too young to be going into any battles. She'd only just become a second, something that had never been done before with the nightbloods. All nine of them were spread out in Polis, each chosen by some of the Commander's best warriors. Warriors that the Commander had wished to keep away from the current war with Azgeda.

  At first Anya had been dismayed at the tiny child she'd gotten, but after just a few days of training, she could see why the others sometimes hesitated to spar with her. Lexa strove to be the best she could, it was probably the fact that she was the smallest amongst them, and the youngest. Anya already had a hard time trying to get the girl to calm down, to rest, to take care of herself. She lacked patience. It didn't take long for Anya to begin to look forward to training this pipsqueak.

  “Please! Anya, I want to help!”

  Anya reached down to tug on one of Lexa's braids. “You can help by staying here and training with me. That's what Anna wanted. You wouldn't disobey Anna, would you?”

  Lexa looked like she wanted to say agree right away. But she knew she already disobeyed some of the rules that Anna laid out. If she didn't think the rule was a good one, Lexa just ignored it.

  Anya raised an eyebrow at the silence.

  “No. I don't want to disappoint her by not listening,” Lexa conceded, though she did pout for a moment.

  Anya hid her smile. “Good. Now, five laps around the training yard.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the show, I thought it was weird that they began how the Commander came into power one way, then changed it in the third season. I wanted to keep Lexa as having once been Anya's second, but also having the school for Natblidas in Polis learning under Titus.   
> This particular one is canon to my work "Hate is too Great a Burden to Bear".


	13. I Remember You

  Curious blue eyes roamed her face, as though she was memorizing every detail. She didn't want to forget a thing about the beautiful brunette. Alicia didn't want to forget Elyza either. She kept her green eyes on Elyza's face, waiting patiently for her to say what she wanted to. They'd been sitting on the floor between their beds for nearly an hour. Elyza had pulled Alicia there saying she had something really important to tell her. So far she hadn't said anything. She couldn't find the words. So instead, she took simple joy in being able to _see_ her. Just look at her. Remember her.

  Alicia was rarely patient with anyone. She would much rather everything just be said so that it's out of the way. With Elyza though, she could wait forever. Her dreams hinted that this life would end just like the rest. It would end before the blonde would remember anything about them, was what Alicia thought. So she just took what was given to her and enjoyed their time together.

  Minutes slowly ticked by when a single tear rolled down Elyza's cheek. Immediately, Alicia reached out to wipe it away. Elyza grabbed her hand, holding it against her cheek.

  “I remember you. Lexa.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any prompts that you'd like to see written, send me an ask on my tumblr (ainagonraun), I'd love to get some from other people rather then just the internet or my mind.


	14. Friends

  Lexa looked warily at the girl standing in front of her. She doesn't trust many people in Polis, and this girl, despite coming in with the healer, had a smug look on her face that Lexa didn't like. Some of the older nightbloods had gotten into a huge and required the healer to look at their injuries. Lexa had taken care to stay away from the brawl. She was the youngest currently in Polis, having only seen eight winters.

  “Hei, ai leik Kostia kom Trikru,” the girl grinned. She was suppose to be helping the healer, but had been kicked out only minutes before.

  Lexa looked into dark brown eyes. “Ai leik Leksa.”

  The two girls stood staring at each other with nothing to say to the other. Technically, Costia wasn't suppose to be there at all, even with the healer. It was forbidden for citizens of Polis to come to the compound. Costia had talked her way into it with her mentor. She was learning to be a healer herself, and she wanted to learn as much as possible.

  The door to the dorms opened with the healer stepping out moments later. He glanced at Lexa before calling for Costia to join him in walking back to the city. Costia smiled at Lexa. “We should be friends,” she said before dashing off to catch up with the healer.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I headcanon Costia as a healer. She likes to sneak into the compound garden where the nightbloods live. There's an apple tree that is a five minutes walk from the wall circling the compound that becomes their place to meet. Costia kisses Lexa first. She comes up with the braids that Lexa wears in her hair.  
> I will probably write some more headcanons on my tumblr eventually.  
> Also, I suck at trig. I am trying to learn though, but learning languages is not my forte.


	15. Fixing Things

 

Lexa was on her way to Clarke's room, she couldn't let the blonde leave without saying goodbye, though she knew that's what Clarke was trying to do. She didn't want to make her feel like she owed Lexa anything. She just wanted a goodbye. Just in case.

She frowned when she turned down the hall where Clarke's room was located and there were no guards at the door. She knew she had assigned two of her best there. She didn't trust some to not take advantage. She started down the hallway at a quicker pace, breaking into a run when she heard a gunshot. A gunshot? How did a member of Skaikru manage to get up so far in her tower with a gun? Without someone noticing? Not even Clarke had her gun.

Lexa pushed the door open.

“Lexa!” Clarke screamed her name.

Lexa was surprised to find herself stumbling backwards, her arms automatically wrapping themselves around Clarke, trying to hold the other girl up. She felt a burning pain in her side, but she brushed it off. She looked up, looking into the room. Desperate to find out what was going on. Sitting tied up in a chair was someone she'd never seen before, she dismissed him right away, and her eyes landed on Titus. Titus who was holding a gun in his hand, and a horrified look on his face.

“Heda... I-”

Behind her, she could hear guards racing down the hall. Ryder entered the room first, placing himself in front of Lexa, his sword drawn. Clarke pulled herself away from Lexa, looking at her to see if she'd been hit.

Lexa pulled away, stepping around Ryder to glare at Titus.

Clarke followed her, pulling on her arm to turn and face her. “Lexa, you're bleeding, let me look.”

Lexa tugged her arm from Clarke's grasp, her other hand immediately going to the wound on her side and pressing against it. Blood dripped down her hand, and another burst of pain caused her to stop moving.

Ryder and another guard were pulling Titus to his feet, the gun laying on the ground, now empty. Titus still looked horrified, going back and forth between looking at Lexa's side, to her eyes. Eyes he really didn't want to look at when he saw the anger in them.

“Teik em we,” Lexa growled. She would deal with him soon, but Clarke was pulling her to the bed to look at her injury.

Ryder nodded, and Titus was pulled from the room. Another guard released Murphy from his bindings, and left behind Ryder. Murphy stood up, looking between Clarke and Lexa.

“Murphy, get me some water and some cloth,” Clarke ordered.

It was just the three of them left in the room. As Murphy moved to listen to Clarke, Lexa finally allowed herself to be pushed down on the bed. After pushing her hand out of the way, Clarke pulled Lexa's shirt up revealing her wound.

Clarke breathed in relief. “There's nothing vital in that area. I just have to get the bullet out, and it can be sealed.”

Murphy carefully put down a small bowl of water with a cloth beside Lexa. “How're you gonna get that out, princess?”

Clarke glanced around the room before biting her lip. She looked at Lexa, worried. “This is going to hurt.”

Lexa nodded. “I know. I've been through worse, just get it over with.”

Clarke wiped the cloth over her skin, clearing a bit of the blood away. The bullet wasn't deep, it would be quick to pull out. With one hand pressed on Lexa's stomach, Clarke pulled it out in one quick movement. Blood immediately welled up, reacting quickly, Murphy pressed the cloth against the hole.

Lexa's fingers were digging into the fur on the bed in an attempt to not let out a cry of pain. She took a breath and slowly unclenched her fingers and reached for the dagger on her belt. “Use this,” her voice strained.

Clarke took the dagger from Lexa who dropped her hand back to the bed. The fire in her room wasn't large anymore, but it would be enough to heat up the blade. She wasted away the time waiting by cleaning as much blood as she could from the wound. No one spoke, unwilling to break the silence. Clarke's mind wandered. She wondered about several things. Such as Octavia. It was past the time she was suppose to leave, and by now, Octavia had probably cursed her name as she left the capitol. She wondered what was going through Lexa's mind, if she was thinking about Titus. She wondered what Titus' fate would be.

When the blade was red hot, Clarke removed it from the fire. With one last look at Lexa's face, she pressed it against the small hole in her side. Lexa's body went tense, her back arching up in pain. She didn't make a sound though, not wishing to cause Clarke pain by doing so.

When she pulled the blade away, Clarke dropped it to the floor before wrapping her arms around Lexa, tears welling up in her eyes.

Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke. “I'm here,” she whispered.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt the need to write something to fix that nasty little scene. I've been thinking about it for a while now and here it is. Now back to writing my other one.


	16. Remembering

They're sitting in English class, fifth period, when Lexa remembers. She digs her nails into her jeans and bites her lip. Her green eyes seek out her best friend. Clarke sits in the front row, not by choice as the teacher thought it would be easier to keep Clarke from doodling all period. Lexa sees her shoulders stiffen. She wonders if the same thought runs through her mind as it is her own.

She remembers blood. So much blood. It's black, which strikes Lexa as odd and familiar at the same time. She remembers the sharp pain in her stomach. In the same place she sports a small round birthmark now. She feels sick to her stomach as she realizes what it is, or was, now.

Clarke raises her hand, and while Lexa tries to listen to what's being said, everything sounds like a dull roar in her ears. A moment later, the blonde stood up and left the classroom. Lexa feels completely lost without the other girl's presence. The teacher took a moment to look around at her students.

“Lexa, are you feeling alright?”

The words break through the haze, and Lexa looks up at the teacher with a quick jerk of her head. She shakes her head slightly, trying to ignore how everything spun around her.

“To the nurse's office, you're looking very pale.”

With short jerky motions, Lexa gathers up her things and leaves the room. She feels a bit better without the other students staring at her. But with so many memories swirling in her brain, she just wants to get away.

Lexa stumbles down the hallway, breathing shallowly. She ducks into the empty lecture hall, hoping for just a couple hours of quiet. She can't leave school grounds without her mother being notified, and she'd like to avoid that at all costs.

What she doesn't expect though, is to see Clarke leaning against the wall just inside the door. Upon seeing Lexa, she straightened her stance and waited.

“I'm sorry,” Lexa whispered. The haze, the dizziness, the dull roar, disappeared with her words.

Clarke smiled, there was a sadness to it, but Lexa was just happy to see it. “Don't be. You had to do it.”

Dropping her things in a pile, Lexa reached out to Clarke, to pull her into a tight hug, to know she was still here. “I promised I'd always be with you.”

Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa, returning the hug. “You always have been.”

Lexa pulled away only enough to look once into bright blue eyes that she's seen for years, then pressed her lips against Clarke's, remembering all the times past , present, and future, that she's done this before. And it makes everything hurt just a little less.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been busy the last few days. Trying to cleaning my apartment up, and I got my tv stand in (I had to build it. Pain in my ass)  
> So I've done absolutely no writing at all. I'm still trying to write HGBB, but it should be done tomorrow.


	17. Conclave

 

 

There is an age limit on the Conclave. A Natblida must be at least twelve winters. At the present time, Lexa was only eight. There were five natblida's who would be entering the conclave. All five were sitting in a circle on the hard floor, sharing stories with each other in a low tone. Sadness overlooked the group. The rest of the natblida's were sent to bed by Titus. Lexa though crept back out when she left, sitting at the doorway, watching her brothers and sisters.

It had come as a shock to everyone. The Commander had been going out to do routine checks on all the villages. Death came in the form of an arrow from another clan. From Broadleaf. Broadleaf was an ally of the Ice Nation. The Commander had only been in the position for a year before he died. Lexa remembered him before he ascended. He had been quiet, not interested in interacting with the rest of them, less so with the younger children.

Now, they were facing this again. More so then the other young children, Lexa knew what would she would face in the coming years. She crossed her fingers that whoever would ascend this time would live for a very long time. It was a futile wish. But one she made anyway.

 

~

 

They were forced to watch. Titus thought it would be a good way to make them all bend to his rule. So, at down they were forced from their beds, told to dress, and led down to the challenger's pit. Many of Polis' citizens came out to watch. They would want to know that their new Commander would be able to fight. Fight to protect them.

It would only take a few battles. Battles that Lexa forced herself to watch. Her stomach clenched when Anna slit Ash's throat. A mercy killing. Bile rose in the back of her throat when Alces took pleasure in hacking Susan's body to pieces. The same fate befell the last natblida, Arros. Finally, it was just Anna, and Alces left. Anna had her size to her advantage. She was much smaller then the bulk that Alces carried around. They were the same age though, and had the same amount of training under Titus. Alces preferred a sword, and while Anna was proficient with one, she was much better with archery, and throwing knives.

Most thought it would be obvious who would win. It came as a shock to many when, despite being banged up and thrown around the arena, Anna threw her last knife, a perfect shot in the middle of Alces forehead.

There was silence for a moment before cheering erupted. Anna stood in the middle of the pit, staring sadly at Alces body.

Lexa could feel tears prickling at her eyes, though she refused to allow them to fall. She watched Anna be led off. Beside her, the other natblida's were cheering, caught up in the crowd's excitement. To Lexa though, she thought of the stories that Ash would never be able to tell again. She thought of how Susan would never be able to help her train with her staff. She thought of Arros, how he'd never get to ruffle her hair again, how he used to treat her like a baby sister, much more then he did anyone else. Alces, though he could be really cruel, always defended the younger ones when Titus got mad at them. He took many beatings from the previous Commander for daring to step in the way. And Anna. She thought of how the other girl would not be coming back with them. She thought of how they'd be forgotten again until the time came for this to happen all over again.

 


	18. Background

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't really a prompt, just random background info for HGBB. Plus I love history, and with this world, I can pretty much make my own for the grounders. I love it.

For someone who was tasked with watching over them all, Titus sure didn't like to waste his time with the little ones.

He believed that the moment they set foot there, they needed to be independent. The very first Commander he'd been Flamekeeper for, she hadn't quite grasped the idea of independence. She'd been twelve when she ascended, mostly because while she fought well, she won only because her next opponent died from blood loss before their battle. Had he not, she would have been slaughtered. And she knew it. Holly had only survived a year before she was killed.

Her successor, Titus stayed away from him. He'd watched the child grow up to be ruthless. The cruel ruthless that had no business being in charge of anyone. The younger natblidas were happy when he showed no interest in training them, content to allow someone to teach them to fight. It made no difference to him if they could or not. Though, after a while, he began taking out his frustrations on them. If anyone did anything wrong, or they were the slowest to understand a new move that was being taught, or they didn't know how to most effectively stop a bleeding wound, they would end up either with something simple as no dinner for the next few nights, or they'd be beaten. One of the older natblidas used to purposely do things to earn Heda's ire, drawing him away from the smaller ones. Alces, though cruel, cared about those he grew up with. Soon, it became a game between the older ones, who could do the worst between them.

There was a party between them when he died. Arros had managed to get them some mead, and those older then twelve, drank until there was none left.

Anna had been much better, though she was away a lot, dealing with Azgeda, when she was in Polis, she was with the natblidas. They were her family, and she loved them with all her heart. When she overheard whispers between the Trikru ambassador and Titus about using the older nightbloods to fight, and to guard, she came up with a plan.

There were several generals that she wanted to keep around, close to home, so that if she died, there would be at least someone who could help the new Commander. So, the older nightbloods were assigned as seconds. Some would stay in Polis, and live with their new mentor, others woulds go away to small villages nearby.

 


	19. Birthday

 

“Close your eyes.”

Eyes tightly shut, she allowed herself to be led from her bedroom. Though Clarke was trying to keep everything a surprise, Lexa knew where they were headed, she knew the layout of her tower like the back of her hand. She was slightly surprised though, when Clarke led her down a small out of the way hall, the only room being empty. Lexa had previously used the room for storage, mostly for some of Costia's things that she couldn't bear to get rid of. But slowly, she had emptied the room of all reminders, in order to move on.

“Clarke?”

“Shh, just another moment.”

Clarke let of go of Lexa's hand, and stepped across the room. Lexa listened to her footsteps against the concrete floor. Four steps. Halfway through the empty room. She heard the swish of fabric as it was pulled off something, and the light noise as it fell to the floor in a heap. Clarke hummed as she stepped around the room, pulling at some things, occasionally making more noise.

Lexa focused on other things, in hopes of possibly guessing what was in there. The room smelled damp, from recent rainfall and the lack of glass in the window. Right now, there was a slight breeze blowing in that she could feel across her skin. A small smile crossed her lips when she smelled the sweet smell of flowers. She loved flowers. They were something beautiful in a not always beautiful world.

Soft finger tips trailed down her arms, leaving goosebumps in their wake. The touch startled Lexa from her thoughts.

“Lexa, you can open your eyes now,” Clarke said softly.

Lexa did. The first thing she was Clarke's beautiful blue eyes. They had a sad sort of look in them, and Lexa's mind immediately wished to know why. “Are you okay?”

Clarke smiled. “I am.” She stepped to the side, letting Lexa see what was behind her.

Sitting on an old easel that Lexa recognized from a lower floor, a large painting sat, waiting to be looked at. Green eyes traced every detail, stepping closer to get a better look. It was the forest, Lexa recognized the scene from a clearing near TonDC, one that she and Clarke had been in after escaping from the pauna. Between the trees, there were people, people who she loved. She could see Anya, leaning against one tree, her eyebrows raised. Costia's mane of deep brown hair hung from a tree, where playful eyes peered out. Aden, and the rest of the nightbloods were seated on the floor of the clearing, looking as though they were waiting for their next lesson. Gustus stood to the side, always watching. Clarke had painted the people that Lexa cared for the most.

Her fingers reached out, stopping just centimetres from the canvas, afraid to touch it. “Clarke.”

Clarke stepped up beside her, taking Lexa's free hand in her own. “Happy birthday, Lexa. I wanted everyone that you love to be able to be here for you. You deserve that. And this was the best I could do.”

Lexa tore her eyes from the painting to look at Clarke. “Thank you,” she breathed. Her eyes were bright, and a moment later, tears slipped down her cheek.

Clarke wiped the tears away, before pulled the brunette into a hug. “Happy birthday,” she whispered again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that in canon, they never said when Lexa's birthday is. But I saw on tumblr that another user headcanoned Lexa's birthday as July 1st. I can totally get behind Lexa being a cancer. So I'm adopting that headcanon.


	20. Late Night Rambles

Grass stained red. The smell of death. The weight of her sword in her hand. The sound of metal against metal harsh in her ears.

_This was battle. This was war._

The feeling of taking another life. The blade slipping easily from a slit stomach. Blood coating the already soaked earth.

_This was war. This was battle._

Cheers from wearied warriors. Cries from the injured. Pleas from fallen enemies.

_This was victory._

Shouts of praise for the Commander. For bringing victory to her people. For gaining people's acceptance.

_This was the Commander's life._

Green eyes take in the sight. Remember each detail.

_Was was terrible. Battle was ugly._

Unseen grief for each fallen warrior. Tears that never fell for those too young.

Peace obtained trough war. It would not last.

_The Commander's fight goes on._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I woke up at 2am to write this half asleep on my cell phone's memo pad. Saw it this morning and thought it was decent.


End file.
